Let’s Stop the B.S. about D/s with Tiffany Reisz

I have a treat for you this week because author Tiffany Reisz is my guest on ALL THINGS GIRL! Her book, The Siren, just became digitally available on May 1st. I’m in the middle of The Siren right now. It’s a fascinating, chilling and sexy story, which is beautifully written with wit and humor. More about The Siren below, now let’s stop the B.S. about D/s.

Welcome Tiff…ALL THINGS GIRL is all yours, girl ;-)


Hi Readers of the Fabulous Blog O’Sandra!

My name is Tiffany Reisz, and I write BDSM erotica. I write it. I live it. I’m here to talk about it. Sandra said she wanted us to talk about the D/s dynamic. Well, if you insist. Twist my arm, why don’t you? Go ahead…twist it. Yeah…I like that.

Sorry. Where were we?

D/s! D/s stands for Dominant/submissive or Dominance/submission. The D is capitalized because those of us in the BDSM world take the hierarchy seriously. A friend said to me that in a fair and just world the ‘s’ in submissive would also be capitalized. Well, where’s the fun in that? Might as well be vanilla. ::shudder::

For the record, I’m in a D/s relationship and have played sub to several very experienced Dominants and sadists in the past including the exquisite Mistress Jeanette, a real NYC Dominatrix. So I feel confident that I can tell you what D/s is and what it is not.

Let’s start with what it is not.


D/s is NOT sexist toward women.

Yes, most Doms are male and most subs are female. But Dommes (female Dominants) are awarded as much or more respect in the BDSM community than male Dominants. Not all subs are women. Many gay couples engage in D/s so the Dom is male and so is the sub. And there’s not much in the world hotter than FemDom/femsub (at least to me). Also many straight men have submissive sides. Some men merely wish to be handcuffed and sexually used every now and then by their wives or girlfriends. Some men desire 24/7 dominance from a powerful man or woman. Male and female are not the only genders in the BDSM world. You’re a Dom or a sub or a Switch and that’s what matters most.


D/s is NOT violent.

Yes, you can get hurt engaging in BDSM. But you can get hurt playing soccer with your kids too. Hurt is kind of the point in a BDSM relationship. Maybe you enjoy light spanking. Maybe you want to be caned until you’re black and blue. The operative words here are “you want.” The submissive chooses the level of pain they desire and the Dominant and/or the sadist supplies it. It’s consensual. It’s pre-arranged and negotiated. It is safe.


D/s is NOT something sick and twisted people do.

Get on my Twitter feed. Do I seem mentally ill to you? I have a multi-book deal, a wonderful boyfriend, a stable day job, two silly cats, parents who love me, lots of friends, and no history of mental illness. I’m fine. I’m groovy. I’m golden. I’m totally into being dominated in the bedroom. Being happy and healthy AND being kinky are not mutually exclusive. Most kinksters I know are indistinguishable from the general population. Saying we’re mentally ill because we like to play this kind of bedroom game is as silly as saying football players are mentally ill because they like to run in hot weather and get sacked by giant men. Okay, maybe they are mentally ill. Bad example. ;)


D/s IS a game.

It’s a game in the sense that two people are taking on roles, playing them, and enjoying them. The pain is real. The submission and respect is real. The sex and pleasure are VERY real. But the Dominant doesn’t actually own the submissive. Slavery was outlawed in 1865. No one can actually own another person or legally force another person to do their sexual bidding. It’s a willing choice on the part of the submissive to give him or herself to the Dominant. The best part about the D/s game is that as long as the partners are into it, and the scene is well-played, everybody wins.


D/s IS a lifestyle.

For some couples, the D/s extends outside the bedroom. How do I know this? I’m in a 24/7 D/s relationship. What does that mean? I explained it some friends recently thusly: “You’d never be able to tell we were D/s if you hung out with us. We have a totally normal relationship. Except in our relationship, he gets the final say on all big decisions. There’s less reason to fight if the argument already has a pre-determined winner.” My boyfriend is the smartest man I know. It’s easy to say “yes, sir” when you trust that person’s judgment implicitly. He makes the decisions based on his brilliance and my input, I accept those decisions, and our relationship trundles on happily. With him in charge, I have less to stress about and more time to write. In case you think this is at all sexist, you should know one thing—making ours a D/s relationship? That was my idea.


D/s IS a blast.

There are some books out there that portray D/s relationships as dark and dangerous. I won’t name any names but I think you know what I’m talking about. It’s giggle-inducing for us real kinksters to read anything where the Dominant is portrayed as damaged and fucked up. We know too many Dominants who are doctors and lawyers and dads and husbands (or wives and mothers) and friends and lovers to think of them as anything other than good people who like a little spice in their love lives. Submissives aren’t weak—they’re men and women who know exactly what they want in the bedroom and aren’t afraid to ask for it. Dominants aren’t abusive—they’re men and women who want to use their desire to be in control to please their sub. It’s a beautiful partnership and nothing to be ashamed of or label as “fucked up.” That’s not D/s. That’s B.S.


That’s it! Got any questions? Tweet me @tiffanyreisz or comment below!

Thanks Tiff! Now we want to hear from you, dear ALL THINGS GIRL readers. Commenting is sexy, so tell us what you think. I will gift a copy of The Siren to one lucky commenter.

About The Siren:

In the world of kink authors, she’s the top.

Notorious Nora Sutherlin is famous for her delicious works of erotica, each one more popular with readers than the last. But her latest manuscript is different-more serious, more personal-and she’s sure it’ll be her breakout book…if it ever sees the light of day.

Zachary Easton holds Nora’s fate in his well-manicured hands. The demanding British editor agrees to handle the book on one condition: he wants complete control. Nora must rewrite the entire novel to his exacting standards-in six weeks-or it’s no deal.

Nora’s grueling writing sessions with Zach are draining…and shockingly arousing. And a dangerous former lover has her wondering which is more torturous-staying away from him…or returning to his bed?

Nora thought she knew everything about being pushed to your limits. But in a world where passion is pain, nothing is ever that simple.

The Siren is available NOW in ebook format and will be available in trade paperback on July 24, 2012. You can follow Tiffany on Twitter @tiffanyreisz


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30 Responses to Let’s Stop the B.S. about D/s with Tiffany Reisz

  1. Elenya Lewis says:

    Gosh, it’s SO nice to finally see someone write this with such eloquence and panache. As a sub/switch I’ve been getting seriously hacked off with such poor representation of late. All hail Tiffany Reisz, bringer of truth and balance!

  2. CL Parks says:

    This is a great post. I’ve only dabbled, and really never read anything real about BDSM. I think I was like most people, scared it could be violent, or too sexist. Now, I’m a little more curious!

    Thanks for being so candid!

    • Candid is my middle name. Actually, it’s not. But candid would be a much cooler middle name.

      If D/s intrigues you, give it a try. Ask your partner if he would be interested in trying a little role-play. You might giggle a lot and it might be awkward at first, but once you get into it, it’s super sexy and so much fun.


  3. Karla Doyle says:

    Great post, Tiffany. This should be a must-read for anybody curious about D/s, also and especially for those people who can’t wrap their head around “why” anybody would want to do “that”.

  4. Dawn says:

    Wonderful Interview Tiffany! Congratulations on the book and the man ;) xoxoxo

  5. Evie Knight says:

    I love this post!! Hey, I’ll admit it– I haven’t read much in BDSM, but I’m now hooked after what I’ve read. The funny thing is that what I’ve read may not even be ALL right, but I do have to agree that it is definitely a life style. Hey, some like it kinky and others like it kinkier. I’m now in my search for the next best BDSM book. Again, awesome post ;)

  6. Bex Brennan says:

    Great post! From someone who has lived the “lifestyle” it is so refreshing to see an erotic/a author who “gets it”. It is one of the reasons I love Tiffany Reisz’ writing so much. Enticing and realistic — gotta love it. :)

  7. Jenn says:

    Well said. Too many people don’t understand.

  8. Cyndy says:

    Great post, but I wish you had “named names.” The number of people referencing That Book as “a great place to start reading about BDSM has me agog, and you can’t argue with the uninformed.

    I’d have a lot fewer problems with certain books if people at least took the time to research and talk to people, the same as writing any other book about which you are uninformed. For some reason, there seems to be a propensity to want to write about D/s for the “shock” value without learning anything beyond “it involves beating.”

    • Oh, so many people have named names that it would be redundant. I’m ready to move on and talk about better, more interesting books.

      I don’t know why someone writing BDSM wouldn’t do their own research. It’s the best part of the job!


  9. Reading BDSM for me is like watching “Grey’s Anatomy” (well… until Meridith just got too annoying and I couldn’t stand it anymore…) It’s usually a great story, but there are times when it’s just too intense for me to handle and I look away. Fortunately, I have a hubby who is there to tell me “You can look now” when the surgery scene is over.

    Reading a book while covering my eyes is much more problematic, but I’m figuring it out. :)

    Oh, and I already have my copy of The Siren… it magically appeared on my Nook the second it was released thanks to pre-order! So don’t include me in the drawing.

    • You’re the cutest, AmyBeth. It means a lot that non-kinky writers and readers like you enjoy and support my books. You’re open-minded and non-judgmental and willing to read outside your comfort zone. You’re the best kind of reader and a darn good writer.


  10. vic says:

    Ahhh, the 50 shades of S** debate gets everywhere. It’s terrible, it was terrible when it was on fanfic and it’s still terrible now it’s been published.

    In my own corner of fanfic there are a lot of great BDSM fics, some dark, some playful, some gut wrenching, I like them all, I also like slash, a lot. I get annoyed when books are described as ‘mummy porn’ I prefer the term erotica, women like erotica, full stop.

    Out of interest, do you wear a collar? I have a couple of friends who are collared subs and live and breath the lifestlye.

    • Thanks for the great comments, Everyone! Much appreciated!

      Yes, Vic, I do have a collar. Sir and I save it for special occasions, however. It’s not daily wear. Usually it comes out when one of us has been out of town for a few days and we want to reconnect.

      I’ll admit that my characters in my ORIGINAL SINNERS series are damaged. But my characters aren’t kinky because they’re damaged. They’re kinky AND damaged. And in some ways, kink is very healing for them.

      Tiffany, The Happy Switch

  11. witchy says:

    God damn i love you Tiff! *high five* *with a riding crop* XD

  12. Lila Shaw says:

    This was wonderfully candid post. Kudos to Tiffany. I have had trouble wrapping my head around the D/s mindset and this is the closest I’ve come to feeling like I understand it. Excellent post.

    • Aww…thank you. D/s really is just ONE way of having a loving relationship. It’s what works for Sir and me. Might not work for other people.

      I’m glad I could help you understand a little more this fun weird world!


  13. Leigh Savage says:

    I would say I’m a dabbler I like biting and being bit, a little spanking both ways. I’m very lucky that my hubby is willing to let me be me…sounds like a great read


  14. Sandra says:

    Thank you for your honest and thought provoking post, Tiffany. It stirred a lot of conversation around the subject both here and outside of the post. You have many friends and supporters out there – I had a record number of hits today!

    I wish you much success with The Siren, the Felt Tips charity anthology and your future works. You are a gifted writer and an awesome person.


  15. NJTomato says:

    Wonderful blog and I know of what you speak. ;-)

  16. Sandra says:

    The winner of THE SIREN is Dawn! Thanks for all of your comments.

  17. Rhonda says:

    Great Post!! Thanks for sharing Tiffany.

  18. Amazing commentary on the world or BDSM! I loved the Siren. Be prepared for intellectual discussion/debate when you read it. It’s just that thought provoking!

  19. Renae says:

    I had the same reaction to the Beauty books. My biggest beef with the way BDSM gets portrayed in mainstream-ish romance fiction is that it’s always a reaction to past trauma and a need for control, which miraculously gets cured in the wake of a good romance. (J. R. Ward, I’m lookin’ at you.)

    In the old days of romance, it was usually a sign of a villain if he liked to tie someone up. But man, some of those harem scenes… whew.

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